Last Semester: The Darkest Valley

At the beginning of the semester, someone very dear to me hurt me. As time went on, the situation did not get resolved. It got worse. It affected me very badly. The pain, which is still very prevalent in my heart, hurts everything within me. I cannot find the words to express it.  I can; however, find words to express all that God is teaching me. 

 1. Prayer has power. 
 The Bible teaches us to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17).  This is what I did. I prayed every day. I dropped a class so that I could have more time to spend with God. Sometimes I prayed for hours at a time. Sometimes I prayed as I walked around campus. I prayed for this person whenever I saw them. Sometimes I powerfully prayed scripture. Sometimes I simply collapsed on the floor and sobbed. When we pray, God hears. He listens. He understands. He hears the deepest cries of our hearts when we have no words left. Hebrews 4:16 teaches us to approach the throne of grace with confidence. When you pray for someone, you are advocating for them before the Lord. As I continued to pray, I saw a change in this person. Prayer is simply talking to God, as well as listening to Him. I encourage each of you to go to Him with your praises, thanksgivings, and with all of your troubles. He is here. He loves you. Every time you pray, it is a sweet aroma that goes straight to God's heart. Furthermore, He is always working. Galatians 6:9 teaches us to never grow weary in doing what is good, because in the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. There were so many times when I felt tired and no longer wanted to pray. In fact, I feel this way right now. I want to encourage each of you to not give up. Fighting for someone you love is done with your knees on the floor, and regardless of the state of the body, the heart can always be on its knees. As you are going to battle for the person who hurt you, God is radically changing his or her heart. You might just find that God is changing you, too.  

 2. We all need grace.
The person who hurt me was and still is the one person in the world that I look up to the most. This person is the most Christ like person that I know. We must remember, though, that even the strongest Christians are also human. 1 Corinthians 13:5 teaches us that love keeps no record of wrongs. Although this person has not and may never apologize to me, I am learning that the essence of God's love is to show someone love and grace, whether they express their sorrow or not. It is easy to forgive when someone comes to you in humility. It is not easy to forgive when the person seems to not care. In fact, it makes me angry and want to do the opposite of forgive. Yet, Christ died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). This verse reminds me that God's love towards me is unconditional. He loved me before I knew that I even needed forgiveness. Because of God's great love for us, expressed through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the love and grace that we show towards others should be unconditional. This is easier said than done, right? How can I forgive this person, love this person, and treat this person as though nothing ever happened? It is only because the love of Christ compels me (2 Corinthians 5:14). Christ said on the cross, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:24). The very people that He came to die for, crucified Him, yet He advocates for us. If He can forgive, surely I can forgive.

3. Christ himself is our peace and joy.

This situation has taught me to rejoice in the sufferings of Christ (1 Peter 4:13).  Throughout this semester, I have felt unjustly rejected, hated, blamed, and manipulated. What is more, this all seemed to be coming from, again, the one person that I look up to the most. The pain and confusion was unbearable. Although I have certainly made my mistakes in this situation, I was working so incredibly hard for the right thing and was striving to do what was right in the eyes of the Lord. Everything that I worked hard to protect was ripped away from me. One Friday, I began to cry and asked God: Do you know how it feels to be rejected? He said to me: I do. Then I remembered His precious son, Jesus. He was rejected by those He came to save. We reject Him every day through our attitudes, words, and actions. Through remembering Christ, I have learned to rejoice in being treated this way, for I am learning to walk in the footsteps of my Savior. Furthermore, the question: Why?... constantly races through my heart. Why did this person do this to me? Why did they convey to me that everything was okay? Shouldn’t a follower of Christ cherish those who look up them? If so, then why does this person seem to think that I am a burden? Even now, as I write these words, tears are forming in my eyes and pain grips my heart. Even stronger than the grip of pain; however, is the peace of Christ. Comforting his disciples, Christ said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27). When the brokenness of our circumstances cause confusion, Christ gives us peace that surpasses all understanding. Furthermore, in this same context, Christ said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Through the power of the resurrection, Christ has overcome the world and all of its ways. He has overcome death. He has overcome the enemy. He has overcome our sin. Although we have trouble, Christ himself is our joy. He is our peace. He is the essence of love.

4. God uses our suffering.

Throughout this time, I have asked God: How can I minister to others during such a dark time? In the first chapter of the book of James; however, we are told to consider it pure joy whenever we face trials of many kinds (James 1:2-3). What? How? Huh? We are told to rejoice, because our trials help develop perseverance. God has taught me to persevere. He has strengthened me and has taught me to be courageous. During the darkest moments, His light has shined the brightest. One night I was having a panic attack and two of my friends came to meet me. We began praying for me and for this person. One of my friends expressed that she had never felt God’s presence so strongly. It was then that I realized that my suffering is being used to strengthen someone else. 1 Corinthians 1:3-5 states that God comforts us in our affliction so that we may be able to comfort others who are in affliction. The Lord allows us to go through trials, so that we can comfort others during times of trial. Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India, once expressed that, just as the broken bread fed multitudes, she wished to be as broken as possible so that God could use her to feed many. He uses our brokenness to help others become whole in Him.  

5. God will never leave us.

During this time, I felt abandoned. How could this person give up on me? This question is one that I am still asking. Yet, during my moments of utter agony, God came to me and reminded me that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). Furthermore, 2 Timothy 4:16-17 states, “At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth." Dear friends, let us always remember, that even when all seems wrong and the people that you love the most are the ones who abandon you, God will never leave you. He is always here. He rejoices with you. He cries with you. He laughs with you. He hurts with you. He hurts for you. He is the ultimate bearer of your burdens. He is your deliverer.  One day when I was really upset, a friend and I walked across the street to get cupcakes. On the way back, we found a wounded butterfly. It reminded me that no matter how wounded I am, God holds me in His hands. He has you. He loves you. He will never let you go. Give your pain to Him today. 

6. God is enough.

 I have learned that God is enough for me. He is everything to me. He is all that I need. In 2 Corinthians, the author asks God to take the thorn away from him. In response, God states, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). This situation has been like a thorn in my heart, but because of the One who wore the crown of thorns, God is able to use our thorns as a testimony to how strong His grace is. It is when Jesus is all you have that you learn that Jesus is all you need. It is when you are at your weakest point that you understand just how strong God is. Although thorns hurt, God uses them to help us understand His mighty love. Have you been hurt? God is your healer (Exodus 15:26). Have you been wronged? Christ is your advocate (1 John 2:1).  Are you confused? The Holy Spirit is your counselor (John 14:26). He is everything that you need. He is your life (Colossians 3:4). If all I ever am is His, that is enough.

Finally, I want to leave you all with three verses that carried me through this time.

Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

Paul is writing this from prison. Although his circumstances were not getting better, God worked in his heart. This verse is not necessarily about circumstances that change, but about the change that happens in our hearts when God works in the midst of the most horrifying circumstances. This verse has brought me peace and comfort. It has changed my perspective on suffering. 

Psalm 24:3-6:

Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob.

This verse reminds me that God is my cleanser. I may stand before Him, pure and blameless. Towards the end of the semester, God used this verse to encourage me to press on and continue to seek His face in this situation. God pours out His blessings on those who reject this world and seek Him. Stay faithful. Continue to seek Him in every area of your life. Christ is your Savior, but is He your Lord?

2 Corinthians 6:3-13:

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.  Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors;known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on;beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich, having nothing, and yet possessing everything. We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us.

 

This verse is the essence of my semester. My heart has been beaten. My spirit hurts. My soul hurts. Everything hurts! No matter how hard I try to minister to this person, learn from this person, and work towards all that is pure and righteous, it is never good enough. I have tried to be genuine and caring, yet I have been regarded as someone who manipulates. I have been sorrowful, yet in Christ I rejoice. So much has been robbed from me, yet I am rich in Christ. By the power of Christ, I have opened my heart to healing and reconciliation, and pray for this person every day and all day long. Christ has poured His affection into me, and it pours through me into this person. 

Lastly, I want all of you to remember that the same God of the mountain top is the God of the darkest valleys, who climbs the mountain with you, carries you, and strengthens you when it is time to rise up again. Although I am still in the darkest valley, God has told me that it is time to climb. The journey is going to be difficult, but I can see the mountaintop, and it is beautiful.